-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story
not only better, but also more directly involves me.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
-I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink
fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks
they’ve invented the lighter?
-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch orphone or make a grand arm
gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding
thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
-That’s enough, Nickelback.
-I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap
when I was younger.
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may
know” feature on
Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it
wouldn’t work? You
take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the
Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the
There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it
Today’s kids are soft.
-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand
than take 2
trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear
computer history if you die.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I trying to
finish a text.
- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have
nothing else to say”.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
- Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street
smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
- How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just
nod and smile
because you still didn’t hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams
prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’
will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I
spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure
I know how
to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
first and THEN turn on the water.
- I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the
swine flu’ to be used
as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight
Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”
-I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
-Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red
Ryder BB gun
that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
- Bad decisions make good stories.
-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
just be completely invisible.
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous?
Like I know
my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive
rest of the day.
-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t
want to have
to restart my collection.
-There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are
going to die
after leaning your chair back a little too far.
-I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks
me if I want
to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
any changes to.
- “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
of importance the entire day. What a waste.
-When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she
already told me but that I have learned from some light internet
-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle,
then I like
about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal
cruising speed for
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate
drivers, but no
matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
-Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
what time it is.
-I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not
when they call.
-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do
to with it.
-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a
pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I
ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in
seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would
you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag,
saw they had
included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the
restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then
that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large
food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made
like a fat bastard before dinner.