Rules of pooing at work
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING -- When
farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your
area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a
FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you
constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips
out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle.
This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did
not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
-- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the
instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the
poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the
cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the
bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does
not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used
bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors.
Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite gender . This will
reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender entering the bathroom.
BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH -- A
phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to
alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This
will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an
Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
-- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This
is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET -- A case of
diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.
Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
NED -- A bathroom user wseems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Ned makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you
as well as the other bathroom attendees
Related Tags : Work, Rules, Warning
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