Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby
was losing his temper. “Be careful,” he said to his wife. “You will
bring out the animal in me.”
“So what?” his wife shot back. “Who is afraid of a mouse?”
————————————————————
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a
long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about
their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new
apartment. “I got a wife and three kids and I’d love to have
you visit us.”
“Great. Where do you live?”
“Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the
apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with
your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left
elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall
until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your
right elbow and I’ll let you in.”
“Good. But tell me…what is all this business of kicking the front door
open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?”
“Surely, you’re not coming empty-handed.”
———————————————————–
Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
He said; “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you
should have lost at least five pounds.”
When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped
almost twenty pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!”
the doctor told him. “You did this just by following my instructions?”
The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. “I’ll tell you, though, I though I
was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean.”
“No,” replied Mr. Johnson, “from skipping.”
———————————————————–
By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel
room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere”, he pleaded with
a proprietor. “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he
is an Air Force guy” admitted the manager, and he might be glad to
split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that
people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure
it’d be worth it to you.
” No problem.” the tired Army guy assured him, “I’ll take it.” The next
morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy
tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better”, said the
soldier. The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy
snoring all night long?” “No, I shut him up in no time”, explained the
soldier.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the proprietor.
“Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the
room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek” explained the soldier. “Then,
I whispered in his ear ‘Good night beautiful’, and he sat up all night
watching me.”
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