These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism

website. Obviously the answers came from fellow Aussies.....just trying

to help:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain

on TV, so how do the plants grow?

(UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around

watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the

railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

Q:

Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list

of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in

Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does

not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in

Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get

here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which

is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday

night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.

Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female

population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all

year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can

dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All

Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and

make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I

forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop

out of

gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can

scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out

walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want

to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you

help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.